Survival Instinct
William Adama and Laura Roslin Fanfiction

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The Burden of Hope by katethegreat

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Story Notes:
This has been kicking around my hard drive. I'm doing some cleaning, some old account purging and some e-mail address deleting, and I figured I'd get this posted.

Unbeta'd, but a I hope you enjoy!

Also: NOT MINE. RDM and his lovely lovely fellow own these characters, I just have a super active imagination.
Earth was a lie. A frakkin’ joke. Laura couldn’t even muster the emotion to be betrayed. It had all left. The scriptures were lies. Earth was a wasteland. The thirteenth tribe was cylon. The human race didn’t have anywhere to go. And she’s lead them all to their end.

It was all over.

She was over. She was done living. She’d been living for Earth, given up everything for it, in fact, and Laura had had enough. But anger was also an emotion and she had no strength for that.

There was no time, or Galactica, or him (she didn’t have the strength to think the name), or anything.

There was just a broken women, a burned book, a doomed humanity, and an empty soul.

Laura wasn’t taking anything in. There was no perception, just despair. And that’s why it took her several minutes to perceive that she wasn’t alone.

Once she did, it hit her full force. But she didn’t move, didn’t have the strength to live, much less face whoever had been brave enough to venture this far. Bi--no, that was an unentertainable thought. Took too much to consider. She’d hurt him enough to ensure that he’d stay away. He was better off without her, just like the fleet. So not him. Who else would come to see her?

While Laura considered who the frak would’ve entered her space, Tigh watched her carefully. She hadn’t moved, but his stupid frakked up cylon senses (which were eerily human) knew that she’d sensed his presence. He knew why he was here. He had one goal: the survival of humanity. Which was ironic, because when he’d thought he was human he’d cared less and now he wasn’t suddenly it was his only purpose.

And anyways, Ellen was a Cylon. Somehow, it healed some wound he hadn’t known he had to know that she was just like him. That she hadn’t been unknowingly collaborating with the Cylons. She’d been one from the start. And he knew he’d see her again, just like she promised.

And that’s why he was here. Because in some frakked up way, the woman he’d lost by his own hand was returning to him, but Bill was losing the woman who was still here to something beyond his control. And their relationship hadn’t been shot to complete hell. At least, Tigh figured they still had some sort of duty to each other. He’d gotten Adama back on his feet, at least, right?

Wasn’t enough. And thus his appearance in the quarters of Laura Roslin.

Laura still hadn’t decided who had entered her space. Deciding was a verb which implied an action which she didn’t have energy nor care to undertake. Just let her die in peace, for gods’ sake.

Tigh could see the wheels turning, and decided to make a move.

“You’re killing him, you know.” He ventured into the space.

Ah. Tigh. The man had guts, she’d give him that. She didn’t react, reacting again being a verb that required energy or investment to happen.

“Slowly, but surely, he’s dying but trying to fight on. It’s an impossible situation. I can’t do anything.” He bounced off the wall he’d been leaning on and walked around in front of her. She hadn’t moved an inch.

“Humanity has one thing left going for them. And his name is William Adama.” Right there, Tigh caught the small movement of her pupils at the name. He was going to need a lot more than that if he wanted this to work. “You probably heard the radio announcement. We’re going somewhere else. And if that man’s word is as good as I know it to be, then we’ll find a home.” He stopped talking for a second. He thought he’d get more of a rise out of her than this.

On the outside, nothing. On the inside, Laura was panicking. Shit, what if he gets through? Can’t let him, can’t let him. It’s not important. Remember, Laura, this was all your doing. All your fault.

“At least he’s trying something. He’s the one that got us into this mess, remember? He’s the one who told us about Earth in the beginning. You’re the one who made it true. And so what if everything turned out worse than we thought it would? That man is giving them something to frakking live for and you’re lying on the floor. Do you really need to add this to that list of things you find yourself at fault for? Killing humanity’s one last shred of hope?” As far as he could tell, no reaction. Okay, time to play hardball.

“Bill Adama is dying right now. This very second. He’s dying because the one and only thing he cares about above all else has decided to let herself go. I can’t explain it. At least it’s a step up from where he was earlier, where he actually tried to die. Son of a bitch tried to get me to kill him! There have been enough suicides in the fleet, Roslin. Don’t add his by adding yours. Cause we’re all dead if you do.” He’d said enough. Some of it had to have made it through to her. He knew that somewhere in that frakked up conscience of hers, something of what he’d said had resonated. He could see the panic.

Halfway out the door, he heard a slight sound behind him. Her head had moved, ever so slightly, towards the floor. Hey, it was a step. And with that, Tigh left.

His words echoed around in her head. Involuntarily, she pressed her forehead against the ground, as if trying to shut his voice up in her mind. A million things zipped around her head at once. Humanity is dead because of me. I lead them here. How can they be better off with me? “We’re all dead if you do.” “Humanity’s got one thing left going for them.” “You’re the one who made it true.” “Killing humanity’s one last shred of hope?” “Bill Adama is dy---.” Bill. No no no no no! This is the one thing that I’d promised I wouldn’t do. No. Bill. I can’t.

His name opened the flood gate. She’d avoided the word for hours. She knew it would break her.

The tears came of their own volition. They seemed inadequate for the depth of emotion she was feeling. How had she gone from feeling nothing to everything in that short amount of time? They overflowed and streamed. She didn’t even sob. This was more than sobbing. She curled up into a tighter ball, suddenly wishing she had someone else there with her. Someone like Bill. Dammit. That name again.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. They were supposed to find Earth and she was supposed to spend every moment left in her life loving and being loved. Maybe she’d get to see the Promised Land, maybe she wouldn’t die quite yet. But not this. Not some stupid frakked up world that didn’t even deserve the name earth. This shit was contrary to everything they’d worked for, she’d worked for. It was backwards and wrong and frakked.

But of course Bill was still trying. He was Bill, as unmovable as a rock and willing to stand toe to toe with the gods and the cylons and dare them to frak with him. He wouldn’t give up hope... and wasn’t that what they’d promised each other, so long ago now? Back the first time she was dying?

She could feel the weight of it pressing down on her. Pressing her into the floor. The weight of humanity, the weight of grief, the weight of hope. Suddenly, carrying the burdens didn’t make any sense anymore. Why let herself be pressed into the floor? Why let herself spend her last days mired in responsibility and misguided burdens? It was painful. And the last thing she needed was more pain.

That was it then. It was as clear as day to her now. Maybe it wouldn’t be any better for Bill, but things probably couldn’t get much better for him, and really it was all she had to offer. At least she was trying something... wasn’t that what Tigh had urged her to do in the first place?
Something.

Okay:

Live.
End Notes:
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